I’m 22 years old.
I still haven’t graduated college, and I will be in school for a while, because I took a semester off (because I suffered a bad stroke and seizure in December) and I turned in my portfolio for the graphic design program, and I didn’t get accepted. It was a huge blow, but I am going to try next year and people keep telling me how strong I am to even complete my portfolio after my health incident. My parents, friends and boyfriend are trying to tell me it’s not the end of the world, and to keep fighting for it if I really want it. Which I do. It’s my passion. A lot of people tell me I am talented, and not just the ones who are close to me. I just don’t take rejection very well. Graphic design at Sacramento State (where I currently attend school) is also super competitive. Everyone tells me that I am still young and have a lot of time, but I guess I compare myself to the people our age that have graduated in 4 years from UC schools and are very successful academically. My boyfriend is going to graduate at UC Davis from being in college for 5 years, but that is still better than taking 7-8 years like I am (I’m also taking long because of my health issues, and my dad’s health issues…).
Also, I have lupus. It’s gotten worse over the years, and I have had to take this drug called prednisone for a while. I hate how it’s made me gain 20 pounds (I’m 5’6″ and weigh 140), made my hair really thin but gave me more facial hair…I mean, I already have really low self esteem about my looks but my lupus makes me feel so much uglier. It has made me feel better health wise, but the side effects are taking a toll on my looks. I always feel that whenever people talk about ugly people being discriminated against in society, I always wonder if I am one of those plain/ugly people. I was bullied a lot when I was younger, especially in middle school. But I can’t be that bad if I have a boyfriend and had a lot of exes in the past right? Sometimes people tell me I’m pretty but not all the time anymore.
My driver’s license has been suspended ever since I had that seizure in December, and since then my dad and boyfriend had to drive me everywhere to my school to be able to talk to my professors about my work and to get critiques, they had to take me to my doctors appointments and errands, and basically everywhere when I could’ve easily gone by myself. My doctors didn’t tell me that by law (in California) that getting a seizure means an automatic 3 month suspension. My rhumetologist keeps saying that she will let me drive in a few weeks, but everytime I see her she wants to keep delaying it for a few months “just to be sure I’m getting better”. I know it’s for my own safety and for the safety of other drivers, but I feel so helpless with having to be driven everywhere now, especially because my dad has cancer (and that is why I am taking longer to finish school, so I can help take care of him and helping him with my autistic sister) and often times feels very weak and in pain. With the way my doctor keeps delaying me getting my license back, I feel like I will never ever get it back again.
Also, I try to be friendly and not overbearing. I just feel bad because I don’t have a magnetic charming personality that makes friends easily (like my boyfriend’s sister, or my sister). I mean I have a lot of acquaintances but a core group of close friends. It takes a while for me to get to know people and become really close. I do have a lot of friends, but I am not super outgoing. I try not to be too nice because I don’t want to feel like I’m trying too hard, and I don’t want to trust others easily. But I also can’t help but wonder if I give off the vibe that I lack confidence…that’s what one of my friends said a few years ago. That I am really quiet and give the vibe of being so unsure of myself. I don’t know…
I am trying to look at the positive things about my life…I am getting better health wise, I’ll be going back to Sac State in the Fall and not being in the design program allows me to work on my portfolio for next year and take some required general ed classes, I had lots of people try to cheer me up when they found out I didn’t get accepted…but it still really hurts…it’s also really hard to find good qualities about yourself when you’ve been bullied and hurt by people you thought were your friends, or guys you thought “loved” you, or when your well meaning mom criticizes you (she says it’s to build me up and pushme to be better, but sometimes the way she says it hurts me crazily and makes me feel never good enough)
I just hope it’s not too late to achieve all that I can and still be the best I can be…
sorry this is so long…
all these answers are really good. Thanks everyone. I’ve just been feeling very down, but I know what doesn’t kill me make me stronger. The fact that I turned in my portfolio even though I got sick, even though I had to redo a lot of my projects by myself (because my school is 20 minutes from where I live, and I couldn’t go there all the time because of my suspended license, and my boyfriend and dad were not able to take me all the time), really says something. I’ll also remember the times in my life when I failed but was able to get back on my feet and try again (ex: when I didn’t get my license the first 2 tests, but barely passed on the 3rd test…not getting on the cheer team at my community college the 1st time I tried out, but finally getting in a year later)